Searching for the Perfect Coffee Shop: Part 3

Just in case I haven’t beaten you over the head with enough coffee talk, here’s my third in a series of blog posts on the subject. In my last two (http://wp.me/p4UTYs-1n and http://bit.ly/1vYnxBA), I provided you with the twelve essential elements of the perfect coffee shop, your map to the lap of latte luxury, your blueprint to the cappuccino castle. You can’t go wrong with those twelve, but I would be remiss if I didn’t mention a few additional criteria that will only enhance the enjoyment of your caffeinated beverages:

1. Don’t confiscate my backpack. I carry my entire digital world in there: laptop, power cord, headset, mouse, pens, extra sweater (for the coffee shops that profess no control over their arctic temperatures), and yellow pad. Yes, I still use paper. You may think I don’t need my backpack once I take the laptop out, but I can’t foresee all possible situations. My entire set-up is too much to carry without my backpack. I need the storage space.
2. I’ve already written about Austin indifference (http://wp.me/p4UTYs-W), but give me decent service! Are you too cool to say “thank you”? Despite all the other options out there, I’m giving your coffee shop my business. I am deigning to grace you with my presence. “El exigente” has arrived. Shower me with rose petals, why don’t you? At least be pleasant.
3. You want me to pay for parking? Are you kidding me? I know all you hip, downtown coffee shops are too cool to care about this, but if you expect me to pay more for my parking than my latte you’re out of your mind. Admittedly, this doesn’t matter if you’re in a walking city and you don’t need a car, but Austin is betwixt and between. It’s too far to ride my bike, so don’t get all eco-friendly on me. Accept the fact that I intend to waste gas and pollute the environment on my way to get this overpriced beverage.
4. Would you please get rid of the tip jar? Do you want an award for using a cash register? How can I possibly tip you for a latte you haven’t made yet? I reserve the right to tip until after I’ve received the latte, sipped it, and determined whether or not it’s the appropriate temperature and has the right consistency. Once I’ve passed judgment and given my benediction, then and only then will I tip. Don’t give me any evil looks or glances askance.
5. You need to close the store when I’m good and ready, not before. Don’t kick me out before I’m through working. I have a flexible schedule, and I expect you to adjust your hours to me. Enough with the “sweeping the floors” routine also. Are you trying to pressure me to leave? You’re cleaning up, so I should go? Don’t be silly. That’s your problem, not mine.
6. Finally, location matters. Admittedly, this point is outside of the control of most small business owners, but there are a few coffee shops with such a fantastic location that it compensates for deficits in other areas. I won’t hold this against you, but it does help. If I have to choose between a window seat on a gas station or a balcony overlooking rolling hills, I’ll choose the rolling hills.

There you have it: the eighteen criteria. There are no others. This is the final word on the matter – until I say otherwise. One day, people will hold up signs at sporting events saying Glover 3:2 and everyone will know what they mean. Batters in the batter’s box will make the sign of the sip after slugging a home run. A little too irreverent? Sorry. Moving on…

In an upcoming blog post, I intend to rank the local coffee shops, local meaning Austin and the vicinity. What’s your favorite?