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While we commiserated, a burly sailor at the next table intruded. “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but overhear. Have you ever heard of the land of Plate-opia?”
Confessing we hadn’t, he continued. “It’s a legend every sailor knows. Plate-opia is an island in the Sea of Spoons just off the coast of Utensilvania. Only the Garden of Eden and Atlantis rival it in opulence.”
“Prithee continue,” I said, my curiosity piqued.
“Plate-opia is a magical island where all plates are circles and all residents slice their food with ease. No one receives a rectangle or elongated oval or any other exotic shape that places form over function. There’s no need to tilt a plate at an awkward angle and knock into the salt and pepper shakers, or contort your body like a yogic master to find the best way to attack your food. It’s a diner’s paradise.”
“How have we never heard of it? It sounds too good to be true.”
“Aye, it does, but it just so happens I have a map I’m willing to provide.” He winked. “For a price.”
After a tense round of negotiations, I decided to purchase his map for the king’s ransom of a draught ale, and now I’m the only person with the knowledge to navigate back to Plate-opia. My wife remarked that it looked suspiciously like New Zealand, but I’m not discouraged. I know Plate-opia exists, even if only in my dreams.
Jason and the Argonauts step aside, here come Robert and the Plate-onauts. Or nots. Or whatever. Who’s willing to join me?
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