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I leaned back and whispered to my wife, “Look at this lady. She hasn’t a clue.”
“She’s trying. Go easy on her.”
This Destroyer of Desserts placed another deformed sliver on a paper plate, the latest in a row of horrific experiments with a knife. She cut again, making another mess. I could see the direction this Easter Vigil Pastry-cide was heading. “I’m not getting stuck with that slice of cake,” I said. “There’s no way I’m eating that.”
“All right, all right, just don’t make a scene,” said my wife. Who me?
I was next. I could see what this butcher was about to do. Her knife, laden with the icing she had never wiped off – complete rookie mistake – was completing its assault on Castle Cake. I could see it coming. It was like it was happening in slow motion. The cake crumbled into multiple pieces, victim of a horrific massacre. She extended the plate in my direction.
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“What?”
“Just put that one aside. Save it for later.”
“This is your slice, sir. There are people waiting.”
“I don’t want that slice.”
“You can take it or leave it,” said the Butcher of Batter.
“What?”
“Take it or leave it, Mister.”
“Who are you? The cake police?”
“Yeah, that’s right.”
“The cake-stapo? You’re slicing the cake, so suddenly you’re a big deal!”
“You know what, Mister? You’re not getting a piece,” she said. “I’m cutting you off.”
I was furious. “You can go- go- go to school and learn how to slice!” I said and walked away.
A minute later, my wife joined me in the corner where I sat sulking. “You really told her,” she said. “And thanks for not making a scene.”
“You’re welcome,” I said as the entire room glared at me.
She took a bite. “Too bad. It’s good cake.”
“Traitor,” I said. I sat there without cake for the remainder of the party, knowing I was in the right. What could I have done though? What can any of us do? How can we stop these serial slicers?
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