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His business card read “Kevin Pullman, Spice Agent.” That’ll go over with the ladies, I thought. I could picture him making a move in the spice aisle of the supermarket:
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“Uh huh.” She pretends to admire the Italian herbs.
“Allow me to introduce myself.” She plays hard to get. “Pullman.” Pause for effect. “Kevin Pullman. Spice Agent.” She gasps. He reaches into his pocket. “My card.” The deal-sealer.
All heads in the spice aisle turn and nod, impressed. They were in the presence of Double-O Saffron himself, Spice Agent. How could she resist?
Spice Agent – hah! Who does he think he is? I didn’t even see salt and pepper on his shelves, and I was looking for it. Where were the most basic condiments? What if one of the local restaurateurs rushed in in a frenzy one night? I imagined the scene:
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Pullman’s face is a blank slate. “What?”
“Salt and pepper.”
“Sure.” He moves out from behind the counter. “Right over here. I have lemon-infused salt with-“
“No, no, just plain salt.”
He shifts over to the next display. “How about this shiitake mushroom salt?”
“No, just plain old, every day table salt. Don’t you have any Morton’s?”
“I’ve got a salt rub here that has-“
“No!” The restaurant impresario tries to check his frustration. “Forget the salt. How about pepper?”
“I can grind some pink peppercorn for you.”
“No.”
“I’ve got this spicy herbed garlic pepper rub.”
“No.”
“A coriander ancho chili rub that-.”
“No! No rubs, nothing pink or infused, just plain old salt and pepper! That’s all I want! The most basic of spices! Do you have it or not?”
“No. Sorry.”
Tuxedo rushes out. “I don’t believe this,” he says as he slams the door behind him.
My wife nudged me and I escaped my reverie. “Here’s the salt and pepper,” she said. “Right behind you the whole time.”
So I like to exaggerate – vacation towns do that to me. I’ll take a vodka martini, shaken not stirred, with a dash of maple garlic pepper rub. Join me?
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