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My animosity to these precious handicapped spots is based on more than just an aversion to backwards maneuvers though. It’s this monstrous appetite that handicapped people have for parking spaces in the first place. How many spots do they need? And why do they always have to be right by the entrance? This might seem a little insensitive, but couldn’t some of them use the exercise?
What if they don’t have a real handicap, but have a “glandular disorder” instead? That’s right, some defect in their thyroid is forcing them to shove potato chips down their throat. Aw, you say you can’t lose weight? Here’s an idea: try walking somewhere else besides that well-trodden path to the icebox. The carpet between your couch and the cookie jar is so worn it looks like it’s been trampled by a Navajo war party. Glandular disorder, bah! Believe me, your glands are begging you to put down that pint of Häagen-Dazs. On behalf of your entire endocrine system, let me say, “STOP!”
I don’t mind walking. Really, I don’t. I enjoy the five miles it takes to get from my parking space to the movie theater, especially when there are a dozen empty spaces right outside the entrance all waiting for handicapped vehicles.
You know what I’m going to do? One day, I’m going to take one of those spots. I too intend to develop a glandular disorder and eat my way to a handicapped parking tag. In fact, I intend to wear it around my blubbery neck while I gobble my daily apple pie à la mode – not a single slice, mind you, the whole darn pie. It’ll top off my “Party Pack” bucket of KFC nicely. I might even have tee shirts made up with the parking symbol on it.
I may get the same ugly looks that I now give, but it’ll be worth it. I’ll have the last laugh, along with a prime parking spot. Anyone want to go glandular with me?
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