We had entered the Scarlet City and safely passed a homeless encampment of flying monkeys. Led by the Not So Cowardly Lion, we were on our way to meet the Rambunctious Rascal of Roz in the Rough and Tough Realm of Roz.
In this installment, I wrap up my tale of the Red Brick Road. I hope you enjoyed it.
Continued from Where Does the Red Brick Road Lead? – Part 6.
Where Does the Red Brick Road Lead? To the Rambunctious Rascal of Roz, Of Course. #robertglover #comedy Share on XI was halfway through the door when my ankle caught on something and I found myself about to face-plant on the red-carpeted floor of the Scarlet Casino. I managed to put my hands out in time to prevent a concussion and rolled over to see what had happened. The Scarecrow was standing in front of the Lion and Tin Man, and all three were laughing.
Fearless sidled up to my ear. “Never trust the Scarecrow.”
“Now you tell me.”
Still chortling, the Lion wrapped his paw around my arm and jerked me to my feet. “Roz is waiting.”
Munchkins in the Casino
As we strode through the center of the casino, it was easy to see where all the munchkins had gone. They stood on wooden boxes to pull the levers of one arm bandits; they crowded craps tables, shouting profanities at the dice; they willed the cards to go their way at blackjack; and they wasted whatever paycheck they had willing the roulette ball to dive into the right slot.
Green Energy Man leaned towards me. “Give the munchies some booze, a little crystal candy, and a roulette wheel and they’re happy.”
“Sad.”
“At least they keep the flying monkeys out.”
I wanted to disagree. After walking through their tent cities and seeing the way they lived and the way they were treated, I wanted to stick up for the creatures, but deep down inside I knew he was right.
We took a right turn and walked straight towards the poker tables.
The Rambunctious Rascal of Roz
Barely visible through a fog of cigarette, cigar, and every other imaginable kind of smoke, the Rambunctious Rascal of Roz sat at a table, her hair wound up in a purple turban, wearing a long purple robe that made her look like an Arabian wizard. At the same table sat a hard-nosed bunch of munchkins, flying monkeys, and other unsavory characters.
She looked us up and down. “I hear you’re looking for me.”
I swallowed hard. “Yes,” I said, “we decided to follow the Red Brick Road to the Rough and Tough Realm of Roz…” My voice trailed off. I was restating the obvious. Get it together!
“And?” Roz seemed unperturbed.
“Each of us has a request for you, O Rambunctious Rascal of Roz.”
“Formal, aren’t you?” I nodded. “I like that.” Her table goons snickered. “What can the Rambunctious Rascal of Roz do for you?”
I motioned to Green Energy Man, and he inched forward. “I’d like an internal coal-fired power plant to keep me going. Alternatively, something light and nuclear, but not too radioactive.”
Roz nodded. “I see.” Her fingers interlaced, the tips of her index fingers tapping together. She looked up at Mr. Recyclable. “How about you?”
The hillock of boxes constituting his body clomped to G.E’s. side. “I’d like to be made out of plastic, or at least have a plastic sheath to protect me, something that lasts a long time and won’t collapse when it gets wet.”
She nodded again, then looked down at Fearless. “Fearless, my friend, thou hast returned.”
Fearless elbowed my shin and whispered, “We’re in trouble now,” but he stepped forward anyway. “That’s right, O Ram- Ram- O Roz.” Despite his name, he wouldn’t meet Roz’s eyes. “I hast, have, returned and I would like my twenty bucks, dollars.”
“A pecuniary request?” She laughed, an ambiguous laugh that made it impossible to tell whether she meant to give him the twenty or stiff him. To my surprise, she pulled a wad of cash out of her pocket. “The Ram-bunc-tious Rascal of Roz doth print her own currency now. Here you go, Fearless.” She shoved a forty Roz note into his mug. It pictured her smoking a stogie above the saying “IN ROZ WE TRUST.”
Fearless grabbed it. “Thanks?”
“The Ram-bunc-tious Rascal of Roz graciously accepts thy gratitude. Plenty more where that came from.” She bowed with a flourish, then glanced my way.
Sir Galafrad
The casino grew quiet as one table after another stopped play, and the last of the slot machines clicked to rest. Small groups of munchkins had coagulated behind us and I could feel the Lion breathing in my hair.
“What about thy request, o worthy supplicant?” said Roz.
“I didn’t really have a specific request.” The Lion’s chuckles blew a choppy wind against my back. “I was on a quest, Rambunctious Rascal of Roz, the Odd and Odious.”
“I’m odd and odious?” She chuckled. “A quest, you say?”
“To find out where the Red Brick Road led.” For some reason, the whole room found this funny.
“So you’re a modern knight in search of your Holy Grail?”
It was hard to think over the laughter of her companions. Even some of my crew were smiling. “I guess so.”
“Thou guesseth correctly, Sir Knight.” The Lion roared with laughter. The crowd of munchkins grew. “On your knees and prepare to be knighted.”
“Better get down,” said Fearless.
Everyone was laughing now – everyone except Roz, who had grown more serious. She had gotten out of her chair and was circling the table. I got down on one knee.
“I dub thee Sir Galafrad, Knight of the Poker Table.” Her sleeves were so long I couldn’t see her hands until she stood over me and raised one arm above her. As she did, a short, stocky object clicked open into a long, lethal, black, steel tube. “And I send thee on thy way!”
“Good night,” said Fearless.
The tube descended and I blacked out.
Back in Hollywood
As I came to, Timmy Taffy was standing over me. At least, it seemed he was standing.
“Where am I?” I asked. “The Scarlet City?” I sat up. My head ached. I was lying on a lumpy, patch-covered couch in a dingy office across from a desk. The floor was so close my knees came up to my shoulders. Sunlight snuck in between rows of horizontal slatted shades.
“You know I could’ve had you arrested for B and E, pal,” said Timmy.
I rubbed a large egg on the back of my skull. “Where’s the Rambunctious Rascal of Roz?”
“You’re lucky I checked you out with Marsha. I would’ve called the cops on you otherwise.”
“I’m back in Hollywood, I take it.”
“Back in Hollywood?”
I felt a bite at the back of my ankle and gasped. A ferret’s head peaked out from beneath the couch. “Fearless?” A low hum caught my ears. In the shadows of the office stood a white washer dryer combo, a load of clothes circulating inside. “Green Energy Man?” Next to the combo, a stack of cardboard boxes reached to the ceiling. “Mr. Recyclable?”
Taffy, eyes wide, picked up a tiny baseball bat, one teams hand out as ballpark souvenirs. “I don’t wanna’ have to hit you again.” He whacked the palm of his hand with the sweet spot. “I want you out of my office and off my lot pronto.”
I nodded. “There’s no place like home.”
Scarlet City Recap
Was it all a dream? Had I really walked the Red Brick Road to the Rough and Tough Realm of Roz, the Scarlet City? Had I really met the Rambunctious Rascal of Roz, the Odd and Odious?
Regardless, there really is no place like home.
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