Searching for the Perfect Coffee Shop: Part 2

In my last blog post (http://bit.ly/1s4dfNY), I provided you with the first third of my list of criteria for the perfect coffee shop. As the world’s foremost authority on coffee shops, along with countless other subjects, I feel it’s my duty to perform this community service. In the interests of better beans, here’s the middle third of my list:

1. Don’t make me shiver or sweat. Adjust the thermostat to a level appropriate to the season. I shouldn’t need to wear a sweater in the middle of a Texas summer, nor should I have to wear a down parka in the middle of winter. I’ve come into your establishment expecting a refuge against the elements, not a conspirator with them. Clue: if you see your clientele shivering, don’t expect to see us coming back.
2. Outlets: you’re a coffee shop, for heaven’s sake! You know mooches like me are going to order one coffee, plop ourselves down, and type on our computers all day long. I don’t want to wear my battery down until I see that ten percent warning appear, followed by the automatic shutoff. I don’t want to sneak glances around the shop every minute to see who’s doing the dance of the power cord. I don’t want to have to stretch my cord in the air two table lengths, the plug’s tines jutting out, one false move yanking the cord out like a whip and maybe taking somebody’s eyes out. Put a few in the floor, or even the ceiling. Help us out.
3. Invest in some new furniture. Stay away from those hippy yard sales and elementary school clearances. I don’t want to see a puff of dust when I sit my derriere down, or duct tape on the cushions. I don’t want any cracks in the vinyl or leather upholstery, tables made out of warehouse pallets, or lampshades the color of jaundice. Spruce up the interior. Try a few potted plants, anything.
4. Baked goods: I know you have to have the standard assortment of muffins, scones, and banana bread, but forget those vegan lumps of clay. And please stop trying to tell me how good they taste, and how these vegan lumps of clay are going to be different from every other vegan lump of clay I’ve ever tried in my life. If I want to stuff a handful of parched dirt in my mouth, I’ll pull over to the side of any road, get out of my car, kneel down, and sift through the least appetizing handful of gravel I can find. Here’s a simple suggestion: a small fruit salad, bananas, maybe a few apples. How about some premade sandwiches? Panini with eggs, bacon, cheese, but no mayo. Whatever you do, leave the mayo off. Let people make their own decision with regards to this critical condiment. These are just some ideas. Be creative.
5. Clean the bathroom. I don’t expect the “Toilet Mahal”, but how about scrubbing away the stains? Mop the floors and wipe the sink. Brush away the spider webs. Provide an air freshener for concerned citizens. Forget those terrible hand dryers. They’re loud and they don’t work. After ten minutes of drying, out of sheer frustration I walk out wiping my hands on my shorts. Instead of just having wet hands, I have warm wet hands. Stop pretending you’re an environmentalist with your stack of paper coffee-to-go cups. Give it up. I want dry hands and dry shorts.
6. You don’t have skim milk? Who the hell do you think you are? Soy milk is no alternative to any man who doesn’t want his gonads to shrink sucking down all that extra estrogen. Almond milk is another artificially processed nondrink. How dare they think they can get a liquid from almonds and call it milk? It needs another name. How about Alk? Whole milk only? How am I going to maintain my girlish figure? How about nonhomogenized, nonpasteurized milk? Too much for you. I admit, it’s part of a much larger discussion. It’s not that I dislike whole milk, but like most curmudgeons in their fifties I have to make some concessions to age. Help me out.

There you have it. Consider yourselves forewarned. When I give out my grades for local coffee shops, I intend to apply this exacting standard. There’s still hope if you don’t satisfy every one of these criteria, but if you fail on too many you best get to work.

Have I missed any qualifications? Let me know.

Next week: bonus criteria.