Halloween Candy

What was my wife thinking? A week – an entire week – prior to Halloween, prior to the appearance of Minnie Mouse, the Lone Ranger, Little Red Riding Hood, and Batman, she goes out and buys candy. Her excuse? It was on sale. Without warning, in came the bags of peanut butter cups, chocolate-covered coconut, caramel, and nougat, along with what she calls filler candy, the cheap stuff like lollipops and their gelatinous cousins that get stuck in your teeth. I save myself for the good stuff.

I had already raided my three-year old daughter’s cache from her school Halloween party. I know that’s terrible, but I rationalize by telling myself it’s for her own good. No three-year old should have that much candy, at least not the chocolate. She can have as much of the filler candy as she wants, but chocolate is something only the adult body is conditioned to gorge itself on. It requires years of training to learn how to pace yourself for the Halloween season.

At the highest levels of professional gluttony, you have to know how many of those mini trick-or-treat-size candy bars you can eat at once, the exact amount of time to spend between gorging’s, when and how much to wash it down with beer, milk, or water, and when to mix in real food like hamburgers and hot dogs. Three year olds can’t possibly fathom the complexity of this task.

On top of that pressure I was already feeling, my wife arrives well in advance of the traditional all Hallows binge with this extra load. As any candy-competitor knows, the one danger when you’re getting ready for Halloween is peaking too soon. You don’t want to stuff yourself prior to the actual event, then not be prepared to handle all the inevitable excess. So naïve. The nonchalant way she announced the arrival of this mother lode displayed how little she understood my process.

When I had consumed the last bag of goodies several days in advance of the holiday, she was actually surprised. “I guess you’re going out to buy candy,” she said, as if there was any doubt. My only hope is I can maintain my top form for the next week until this mountain of sugar, butter, cocoa, and nuts is gone. That’s why we train though, isn’t it?