Proper Placemat Design

Why am I spending so much time thinking about proper placemat design?

What cartoon anvil dropped on my head and forced me to stumble around in a dizzy-dazzy haze, contemplating the merits of vinyl and tropical palm versus cotton embroidery?

I have about five thousand better things to do with my time than think about placemat design, including breathing, staring off into space, and drooling on my pillow. Then again, I’ve also spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about plates.

Placemats? Who designs these things anyway? Click To Tweet

But placemats?  Somehow placemats have gnawed their way into my consciousness, like rodents nibbling the ornamental tassels off my sofa pillows.

Knit One Purl Two

My placemat passion kindled one night while I was staring at a stitched mat whose crocheted crustiness would forever remind me of my wife’s pasta sauce.  Tomato had stained the fabric and embedded itself into each stitch.  This marinara smudge would never come out.

The world has gone placemat crazy.

Kiddie Designs?

All I want is something plastic, optionally with some modest artwork on it.  My daughter’s has “Hello Kitty.”  I could live with that.  That, or Pikachu.  Or Bugs Bunny.  Or Jessica Rabbit.  I don’t know.  Take your pick.

I’ve always needed something to catch the slop that slips out of my mouth.  My friends used to say I needed a trough and not a plate.  Just throw in some old apple cores and the scrapings from the previous night’s dinner, and I’d be happy.

My Fault?

Maybe it’s my fault?  I should stop pretending to be civilized.  Why keep up the pretense?  Who needs a placemat anyway?  Sign me up for the slop bowl, give me a bib, and let me wallow.

Here’s to a messy 2019.