Thinking of You Cards

I’m guilty of not thinking about people.  It’s true.  I don’t mind admitting it.  In fact, there are many people I prefer not to think about at all.  Some people I’ve blocked out of my mind completely.  They’re so unwelcome in my thoughts that if there were a way to purge my memory of any relic of their presence, I’d have to consider it.

As for the people I do think about, I never think about writing them a card telling them that I’m thinking about them.  I’ve never sent one, never received one, and never known anyone who’s done either of the two.  Despite that, these cards are one of the top selling greeting cards.  How could that be?

Thinking of You Cards: A Deep Dive

Doing some research, I discovered that the most popular greeting card by far is the Birthday card – no surprise there – followed by Sympathy, Thank You, Wedding, Thinking of You, Get Well, New Baby, and Congratulations.

I was stunned to find that “Thinking of You” made the list at all.  All of the other occasions made sense, but a card for nothing?  A card sent out of the blue?  I have enough trouble remembering birthdays and anniversaries.

Just Women?

Is it just women sending these cards to other women?  I know no man would be caught dead sending another man a “Thinking of You” card.  That would be the same as sending a bouquet of roses and a heart-shaped box of candy.  Thankfully, that hasn’t happened to me yet, although I have received several compliments on my shapely figure.  Never mind about that.

Would a man send a “Thinking of You” card to a woman?  If so, under what circumstances?  Only if there’s something to gain from it.  We know we have our card obligations – birthday, anniversary, Mother’s Day, Valentine’s Day, Groundhog Day – but I struggled to come up with a situation where I might want to send a “Thinking of You” card.

The Emergency Card

Then it struck me.  No one is thinking of anyone else either.  No one sends a “Thinking of You” card because they’re actually thinking of someone.  No.  The “Thinking of You” card is the universal back-up card.  It’s the card you send when you hear the postman making his rounds and you realize that you’ve forgotten to buy a card for your mother’s birthday, or your niece’s new baby, or your friend’s deceased grandmother.

What to do!?!

You search frantically through a pile of cards you’ve collected from random charities over the years.  You know the kind: a picture of a forest or a waterfall somewhere, no writing on the inside, just a key phrase on the front: Thinking of You!  A-ha!  Perfect!

You scribble a few key words no one will ever understand in an ancient language known as gibberish.  As you cram it into the envelope, you rip the outside and run for the scotch tape.  You have a return address label.  Good!  One less thing to screw up.

Stamps!  Where are they?  You rummage through a drawer.  No go.  Your wife’s purse – that’s it!  It has to be.  How can you find anything there?  A woman’s purse is like a holiday grab bag: filled with a motley array of items no man can begin to fathom the use of.  No man should fall into this rabbit hole, unless he’s pushed.  And I was being pushed.

The mailman has reversed course to hit the homes on the opposite side of the street.  Frantic grabs into the grab bag pull up assorted items: a crumple five dollar bill, a credit card, an eye liner.  Finally, stamps!

You charge out of the house barefoot, slitting your tongue as you lick the envelope closed and yell like a banshee for the mailman to stop.

Saved by the “Thinking of You” card.

Thinking of You Cards: Have I Been Left Out?

There must be a market for these cards, but I know I’ve never sent or received one.  Have I been left out?  Is the entire country sending “Thinking of You” cards behind my back?  Is there a massive number of “bon voyage” missives on their way this very minute?  Have all of my friends banded together to think of each other, yet not thought of me?  Or is this an overpriced waste of a stamp?

Before you respond, know this: I’m thinking of you.