Snark Jumps the Shark

I had to turn off the TV.  I had finally OD’ed.  I was a victim of snark, endless sarcasm from one character after another, no sincerity to be found.  I had reached my threshold and I was not going to survive another round.  Why must every character in every movie and TV show be a master of incessant sarcasm?  Why does every character toss around one-liners willy-nilly?  Is anyone else tired of endless snark?

The Marvel Universe

The worst examples are in from the Marvel movies.  I don’t remember all the comic book characters being so snide.  We expect it from Spiderman.  That was part of his character from the jump.  But the others?

When did Captain America become a quipster?  How about Thor, hammer-wielding pagan deity and master of thunder and lightning?  How did he develop his one-liners?  Hoisting horns full of mead at Valhalla?  Arm wrestling with Balder?  How about Bruce Banner?  Serious, stately, tormented Banner, now cracking wise?  Really?

In keeping with the theme, I was wondering if there were some untapped areas where cynicism and spite have yet to be exploited.  Here are a few new opportunities I’ve come up with.

Trash Collector Snark

One profession that hasn’t received enough attention is our nation’s trash collectors.  How about a series focused on a sarcastic garbage man?

EXT. DRIVEWAY – DAY

SAM SNARK lollygags down the blacktopped driveway towards the rear of the house just as
THE HOMEOWNER exits.  Sam reaches for the garbage can, cracks the lid, and sniffs.

                        SAM SNARK
            This stinks!  What did you have for dinner last night?
            Chum?

The homeowner pauses before opening his car door.  Sam tilts the garbage can and begins towing
it up the driveway.

                        SAM SNARK (CONT’D)
            Seriously, toilets not working?  You and the family back
            to chamber pots?

                        HOMEOWNER
            You some kind of comedian?

                        SAM SNARK
            Yeah, like I’d waste my best one-liners on you and your
            dead animal waste.

                        HOMEOWNER
            I’m reporting you to the city.

                        SAM SNARK
            And I’m reporting you to the CDC.  I don’t know what’s
            in this can.  Ebola?  The plague?

CPA Sally Snark

You know who’s really fun?  CPAs.  What the world really needs an exciting new sitcom featuring Certified Public Accountants.

INT. OFFICE – DAY

Accountant SALLY SNARK, dressed in business wear, bustles into a boardroom and flops into a chair at
the head of the table.  On either side of the impressive table sit ROW OF MEN IN SUITS AND WOMEN IN
DRESSES, not a smile among them.

At the opposite end of the table sits the CEO, a distinguished, gray-haired, man in his sixties.  He
checks his watch, irritated.

                        CEO
            Let’s get started.

                        SALLY SNARK
            You waiting on me?

                        CEO
            Yes.

                        SALLY SNARK
            Serves you right.

No one cracks a smile.

                        SALLY SNARK (CONT’D)
            Wow, tough crowd here.  Just kidding.

The CEO restrains himself with effort.

                        CEO
            I’d like everyone to meet our new accountant,
            Sally Snark.

                        SALLY SNARK
                  (jerks thumb at CEO)
            And I’d like everyone to meet the airhead who hired
            me.

                        CEO
            I think everyone can tell Sally has a great sense
            of humor.  She’ll be a great addition to our team.

                        SALLY SNARK
            Addition?  Hah.  Where’d you learn to add?  Cornell?

Simon Snark, Mortician

The one profession that needs sarcasm most of all is the mortician.  It’s high time they got their time in the sun.

INT. FUNERAL HOME – NIGHT

SIMON SNARK, MORTICIAN, a middle-aged man of average size, dressed in a black suit, waits by the door of
a viewing room in a funeral home.  A MOURNER approaches.

                        MOURNER
            You work at the funeral home?  It must be pretty
            dead.

                        SIMON SNARK
            Not when I have the opportunity to meet some of
            the great comedic minds of the age.

The guest walks away, a sour expression smacked on his face.

                        SIMON SNARK
            Please don’t leave.  I wasn’t finished mocking you.

A GROUP OF MOURNERS walks past.  One of them approaches Simon.

                        MOURNER #2
            Simon, thank you for all you’ve done.

                        SIMON SNARK
            You mean my job?

THE EULOGIST, a middle-aged man walks up to a podium to begin the eulogy.

                        EULOGIST
            Good evening.  Thank you all for coming tonight.

                        SIMON SNARK
            I had to be here.

                        EULOGIST
            Thank you, Simon.

                        SIMON SNARK
            Blame your mom.  If she hadn’t broken her hip,
            I’d be home watching the Mets game.

The Loss of Sincerity

Sorry, people, it’s over.  Snark jumped the shark.  I know some of you are going to be disappointed, but trust me, you’ll recover.  Let’s bring back sincerity.

I’m not kidding.

I mean it.

I’m being sincere.  Really.

Don’t you believe me?