I had to turn off the TV. I had finally OD’ed. I was a victim of snark, endless sarcasm from one character after another, no sincerity to be found. I had reached my threshold and I was not going to survive another round. Why must every character in every movie and TV show be a master of incessant sarcasm? Why does every character toss around one-liners willy-nilly? Is anyone else tired of endless snark?
Snark Jumps the Shark: Is Anyone Else Tired of It? #robertglover #comedy #movie #moviereview #tv #tvreview Share on X
The Marvel Universe
The worst examples are in from the Marvel movies. I don’t remember all the comic book characters being so snide. We expect it from Spiderman. That was part of his character from the jump. But the others?
When did Captain America become a quipster? How about Thor, hammer-wielding pagan deity and master of thunder and lightning? How did he develop his one-liners? Hoisting horns full of mead at Valhalla? Arm wrestling with Balder? How about Bruce Banner? Serious, stately, tormented Banner, now cracking wise? Really?
In keeping with the theme, I was wondering if there were some untapped areas where cynicism and spite have yet to be exploited. Here are a few new opportunities I’ve come up with.
Trash Collector Snark
One profession that hasn’t received enough attention is our nation’s trash collectors. How about a series focused on a sarcastic garbage man?
EXT. DRIVEWAY – DAY SAM SNARK lollygags down the blacktopped driveway towards the rear of the house just as THE HOMEOWNER exits. Sam reaches for the garbage can, cracks the lid, and sniffs. SAM SNARK This stinks! What did you have for dinner last night? Chum?
The homeowner pauses before opening his car door. Sam tilts the garbage can and begins towing it up the driveway. SAM SNARK (CONT’D) Seriously, toilets not working? You and the family back to chamber pots? HOMEOWNER You some kind of comedian? SAM SNARK Yeah, like I’d waste my best one-liners on you and your dead animal waste. HOMEOWNER I’m reporting you to the city. SAM SNARK And I’m reporting you to the CDC. I don’t know what’s in this can. Ebola? The plague?
CPA Sally Snark
You know who’s really fun? CPAs. What the world really needs an exciting new sitcom featuring Certified Public Accountants.
INT. OFFICE – DAY Accountant SALLY SNARK, dressed in business wear, bustles into a boardroom and flops into a chair at the head of the table. On either side of the impressive table sit ROW OF MEN IN SUITS AND WOMEN IN DRESSES, not a smile among them. At the opposite end of the table sits the CEO, a distinguished, gray-haired, man in his sixties. He checks his watch, irritated. CEO Let’s get started. SALLY SNARK You waiting on me? CEO Yes. SALLY SNARK Serves you right. No one cracks a smile. SALLY SNARK (CONT’D) Wow, tough crowd here. Just kidding. The CEO restrains himself with effort. CEO I’d like everyone to meet our new accountant, Sally Snark. SALLY SNARK (jerks thumb at CEO) And I’d like everyone to meet the airhead who hired me. CEO I think everyone can tell Sally has a great sense of humor. She’ll be a great addition to our team. SALLY SNARK Addition? Hah. Where’d you learn to add? Cornell?
Simon Snark, Mortician
The one profession that needs sarcasm most of all is the mortician. It’s high time they got their time in the sun.
INT. FUNERAL HOME – NIGHT SIMON SNARK, MORTICIAN, a middle-aged man of average size, dressed in a black suit, waits by the door of a viewing room in a funeral home. A MOURNER approaches. MOURNER You work at the funeral home? It must be pretty dead. SIMON SNARK Not when I have the opportunity to meet some of the great comedic minds of the age. The guest walks away, a sour expression smacked on his face. SIMON SNARK Please don’t leave. I wasn’t finished mocking you. A GROUP OF MOURNERS walks past. One of them approaches Simon. MOURNER #2 Simon, thank you for all you’ve done. SIMON SNARK You mean my job? THE EULOGIST, a middle-aged man walks up to a podium to begin the eulogy. EULOGIST Good evening. Thank you all for coming tonight. SIMON SNARK I had to be here. EULOGIST Thank you, Simon. SIMON SNARK Blame your mom. If she hadn’t broken her hip, I’d be home watching the Mets game.
The Loss of Sincerity
Sorry, people, it’s over. Snark jumped the shark. I know some of you are going to be disappointed, but trust me, you’ll recover. Let’s bring back sincerity.
I’m not kidding.
I mean it.
I’m being sincere. Really.
Don’t you believe me?
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