It’s that time of year again. The holidays are over. Santa’s come and gone. The egg nog’s run out. Only the cheap chocolate is left, the stocking-stuffer chocolate. Everyone who was planning to make a New Year’s resolution has made one. Some have even broken them. All the holiday good cheer is out of the way. I can’t wait any longer. Now is the time for revenge – it’s time for my annual Christmas vendettas!
First on my list? People who didn’t send us Christmas cards. You think I don’t know who you are? I’m going through the cards we received now. I know who’s been naughty or nice. And I have your addresses. I intend to be ruthless. You’ll be off our list next year, I swear. Some of you have been surviving on life support for years, living off the vapors of friendship and family ties. It’s over, people.
Next on the list, the folks who come to church once a year for their Christmas fix and suck up all the parking spaces. Thanks to you, my wife and daughter and I had to park in the next county. We made it to mass just in time to hear the priest say, “Go in peace”. Next year, why don’t you perform a truly Christian act and stay home? By the way, I’ve got all your license plate numbers. Thanks be to God.
Last on my list, the ingrates. Christmas is the season of giving, you’ll tell me. Don’t worry about thank yous. I’ve got news for you: I keep a little black book with the name of everyone who’s ever crossed me – and their mothers. Let that yule cheer warm your heart. I’m not saying you have to send handwritten thank you cards – by the way, you have to send handwritten thank you cards – but would a little gratitude kill you? A phone call? A text message? (Of course, if you’re reading this it doesn’t apply to you.)
There you have it, my Christmas vendettas, all the people who make me want to shove a Christmas tree up their… chimneys. What about you? Who ticks you off during this season of joy and love? Let me know. Or face the consequences.
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