Today, I’d like to discuss a very serious topic, one that’s been going on in our society for some time now. I have to apologize to everyone who was expecting to find a humorous article today, but I know you’ll understand once I describe this more urgent problem to you. There’s no way I can continue to keep quiet about this matter. It’s shocking to me, shocking, that as enlightened as we are or claim to be that we have not overcome our intolerance of lactose.
Poor little lactose. What did it ever do to earn such hatred? Our continued lack of tolerance for a simple disaccharide sugar is appalling. It’s hard to believe that our culture is still battling this national disgrace. Of all the problems our society faces, I feel certain that if we fail to overcome this one, the future of our great nation is in peril.
I know what you’ll tell me. “Not me,” you’ll say, “I drink an eight ounce glass every morning.”
Oh, so you think that’s enough? One token glass a day? You probably parade around with that glass, so proud of yourself. Look at me, look at me. Look at what a socially enlightened progressive I am. I’m not afraid to be seen with lactose. Isn’t lactose lucky to have a friend like you? You think it makes you cool if you’re seen with lactose? Let me tell you, your lack of real concern for lactose is transparent.
That’s not as bad as some of the other people out there. These lactists walk around whining, “It gives me cramps” or “My stomach is bloated. I feel full.”
Boo hoo. Shame on you if you can’t make even the tiniest effort to go out of your way for lactose. Shame on you if you won’t extend a helping hand – or stomach. You think you’re too good for lactose? No, let me tell you: lactose is too good for you. You know what? You make me sick – and sometimes you give me a slight degree of flatulence and nausea that goes away when I take a lactase supplement.
As for the rest of you, I can hear what you’re saying out of sight of milk’s plastic containers and cartons, your snide little asides and comments. You don’t think lactose has any feelings? It’s an isomer of sucrose. Of course, it has feelings! Along with twelve Carbon atoms and eleven water molecules.
How did this happen? How did we become a nation of lactists? Where did this begin? How did the poor harmless lactose become the target of such animosity? I don’t know, but we better get a handle on this. Do yourself a favor and take my advice this week: be a little more tolerant of lactose. See where it takes you. You might be surprised.
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