The Power of Negative Thinking

It’s time, everyone, time to let loose your inner pessimist. Are you ready? Are you ready to unleash the power of negative thinking? No more positivity. Let’s put an end to that. It’s time to set the bar low. Dampen those expectations. Learn to accept losing. If you fall down, get up and fall down again. Better yet, stay down.

Positive Thinking?

Aren’t we all sick of this unending train of positive thinking? You go out there expecting the best and life body-slams you and puts you in a cross-face chicken-wing? You put yourself in the most positive mindset you can, and life shoots a few jabs at you, then polishes you off with a right cross and a hook. It’s inevitable. Face it, you don’t stand a chance.

There’s only one thing to do: follow my three-step plan to unleash the power of negative thinking. Accept your mediocrity and cushion your eventual failures. When life knocks your kickstand out from under your Schwinn Varsity, at least you won’t be surprised.

Step 1: Tense Up

Sit or lie down in a comfortable position and close your eyes. Take a few deep breaths, but don’t get too cozy. Bear in mind that this is the best you will ever feel before life crushes you. Before you remember that life will squash all of your dreams eventually, take a moment to get tense.

Some people mistakenly believe you should relax your muscles in a car accident, as though the looser you are, the lesser the impact. On the contrary, you need to brace yourself for the train wreck that lies ahead. Contract those muscles as hard as you can: you’re about to be walloped!

Step 2: Use Your Imagination

When you think you’ve squeezed every ounce of tension into your body, here’s a simple trick for winding yourself up even further. Imagine a sequence of some of the worst possible moments in your life, a series of “least hits.” It could be an argument with your wife, a blow-up with your boss, or the time your kid woke you up at 5 a.m. on a Sunday morning when you were planning to sleep in.

Feel those teeth starting to grind? Heart pounding? Body flushed with anger? Your blood pressure soaring past AMA recommendations? Good. You’re almost there.

Step 3: Bottle Up Your Anger

Once you’ve built up this wellspring of pessimism and anger, you can’t let it go to waste. You need to be able to call on it whenever you feel a need to lash out in frustration at the world. Find an open pit in the far recesses of your mind and bury it there, so that when the time comes you can let it rush to the surface like a diver with the bends. In fact, you may want to imagine yourself doubled over in pain as life spears you with its helmet in the abdomen.

You can still maintain a façade of affable indifference, while under the surface you continue to nurse old wounds, not letting them go and building a bulwark of frustration and misery. This is sure to allow you to get the most out of your negativity.

Negative Thinking: Your Key to Accepting Failure

The power of negative thinking is the key to future happiness. I don’t mean you’ll actually be happy. That’s not in the realm of possibility, but you’ll be much better equipped to handle despair.

So don’t let failure catch you by surprise again. The next time your dreams die, you won’t be caught off-guard. Embrace the power of negative thinking. Are you ready?